24-May-2013 (Fri) Wherein the Long Island Iced Tea is still the drink of amateurs and cheapskates.

You know, every time we adjust our drink prices, we tack another buck onto the Long Island, just to discourage people from ever ordering one. It is the signature drink of amateurs and cheapskates. The only people who order them are people who think that wringing out a bar towel into a cup is some kind of sneaky bargain, and they never tip, ever.

But this guy amuses himself by ordering them at snooty cocktail bars to see what happens: Saving Summer's Trashiest Cocktail: Make Way For The $21 Long Island Ice Tea. It's funny. Also, in case you haven't seen:

It's been kind of a slow-news couple of weeks. Uh... we got some mirrors installed behind the bars in Above DNA and DNA Pizza. They're nice. We had some parties. We have some photos of some of them:

Bootie Aprilween
Bootie Cinco de Mayo
Psyclon Nine
DJ Cutman
Dillinger Escape Plan

From the incident reports after the Dillinger show:

  • At apx 11:37pm [REDACTED] assisted [REDACTED] with a patron who had lost his pants in the pit. No injuries resulted from the loss of pants.
  • Also we had to dispose on one drum rug due to it being watered by a patron.

"Watered" means what you think.

13 Responses:

  1. John Adams says:

    Well, this is a fantastic article.

  2. Owen Davis says:

    For a sec I thought that video was set in The Hideout, but then I recognized Jumbo's Clown Room at the end. Ha.

  3. Sheila Marie says:

    You know, a previous partner of mine regularly ordered LIITs as his drink of choice. I was mildly embarrassed, but tried not to make a big deal over it, because I always espouse "drink what you like."

    But in retrospect, I realize it was a character test, and he failed. Just like I will never date a Libertarian, I will never again date a LIIT drinker.

  4. Dan says:

    When it comes to drinks, I like 'em strong and girly, so I actually like Long Island Iced Tea (and I always tip). If it's a bad choice, what's a good choice?

    • ix says:

      I too actually like LIIT. At least when you order one it doesn't take two years to make. Then again, I think it's ridiculous to call someone an "amateur" drinker. You drink what you like, when you like it, there is no "trick" to drinking (except knowing when to stop).

      • jwz says:

        There's nothing ridiculous about calling someone an amateur at drinking, functioning properly in bars, or any other endeavor. Everyone is an amateur at some point. I drank them too when I didn't know any better, and dinosaurs walked the earth.

        If you like how they taste, great. If you also tip, even better!

        But ask any bartender in the world, and they will tell you that you are an outlier in this respect.

    • Leolo says:

      Some sweet and strong drinks : Amaretto sour, White Lady, Brandy Alexander, Blue Lagoon, Brazilian Monk, Jelly Bean, Hurricane, Golden Dream, Time Out.

    • Kyzer says:

      A good choice would be something you can taste and correctly identify all the ingredients. The thinking behind it is that you're buying fancy mixed drinks because they please your eye and palate, not because you want to numb yourself into unconsciousness as cheaply as possible.

      Try some cocktails with just one main spirit in them, e.g. rum (Mojito, Pina Colada, Daiquiri), vodka (Black Russian, Screwdriver, Bloody Mary) or tequila (Margarita, Tequlia Sunrise).

      Cocktails with more than one spirit in them should be done in a way where you can taste each spirit's unique flavours and they don't all meld into one "booze" flavour. Try a Singapore Sling (gin and cherry brandy), Martini (gin and vermouth) or Negroni (gin, vermouth, Campari)

  5. Matt Heck says:

    The most useful thing I've learned to ask at the DNA Lounge is to hold up the drink special card and ask, "Is this one good, or funny?"

  6. James says:

    Is ordering a 151 proof rum drinks better or worse? One of my favorite bars was "not allowed to have Bacardi 151 because people kept lighting it on fire."

    • Owen says:

      That really depends.

      There are nice 151-proof rums, and there are ways to drink rum that are enhanced by them. Most of them rely on the flavours rum picks up as it ferments and ages, and therefore don't go overboard on the rum, or are meant to be consumed with some care and attention. Drink, and enjoy.

      There are also 151-proof rums that are, to good rum, what Rob Ford is to sensible politics - loud, obnoxious, and otherwise insufferable. These rums are at their best when burning merrily, or thrown down the drain, because the only joy you'll get from drinking them is in being drunk sooner. Drink in bulk, and black out quicker; if you're lucky, you won't sober up before the hangover kicks in.

      There are also rum drinks whose role in life is to deliver as much liquor to you as possible, as quickly as possible, without necessarily making you actually taste the booze. Anything that can survive having Malibu thrown into it will probably survive having bad 151 thrown into it, too, and be even more brain-destroying that way. Drink gently if you must, and try to stay away from people with cell phone cameras while you're puking later.

      There's nothing fundamentally wrong with drinking from any of these categories, but good bars are good because they've learned to recognize what behaviours lead to a profitable and fun night and what behaviours lead to property damage, vomit stains, and incriminating photos.

      (What, you thought I was going to tell you which are which? Finding out for yourself is half the fun!)

  7. James says:

    Also, the Psyclon Nine photos are almost too good. HDR enhancement is hard to get just right in low light.

  8. Katja says:

    My parents were pretty much teetotalers and we didn't get out much in college. My sister tells the story of going out to a bar with her fellow students for the first time in graduate school. She knew she didn't like beer, and the other people were ordering cocktails, so she chose "Long Island Ice Tea" because it sounded like it wouldn't be very alcoholic. Her classmates, of course, assumed she was a total boozer.

    That was the first and last time she ever ordered a Long Island Ice Tea.