24-Jan-2004 (Sat)
Wherein MC No-ID spoils it for everyone.

We did this hiphop event the other night: a bunch of DJs and MCs. One of the things that happens just before doors is that security goes around and checks the IDs of everyone who's already inside, to make sure they're all 21. Well, one of the MCs didn't have his ID. He had some long sob story, as they always do. Security decided to let it slide, since the guy was obviously in his 30s.

Now, this almost never happens: usually what happens if a performer doesn't have their ID is, we either make them go get it (which makes them hate us a lot) or we treat them like they're an 18-year-old performer, which means they can only be in the club when they're on stage; for the rest of the time, they get to wait on the bus.

So you'd think the sane thing to do would be to be lenient in these cases, right? Except we almost never do, because here's how the conversation usually goes:

Security: Can I see your ID, please?
Performer: This is fucking bullshit, man, I don't have to show you shit. Don't you know who I am?

So at that point, they're no longer merely guilty of not having their ID: now they're also guilty of being an asshole, which tends to eliminate any possibility of leniency.

Also, experience has shown that performers who show up without ID tend to be primadonna dipshits: the kind of person where we're actually better off having them in the building for the shortest amount of time possible, because that way they make less trouble.

But, moving right along (and I think you know where this story is going...)

A couple of hours later, one of the security guys caught MC No-ID smoking pot in the back room, and told him to knock it off. The response? "Hey, I'm the artist. That means you work for me."

Yes, he still has his teeth. That's how restrained our security guys are here.

So then he was on stage doing his little MC routine, and he was talking so much shit to the audience that by the end, the whole place was actually booing him. I haven't heard that before, even back when MC WhinyPants did her thing a few months back.

Oh, but it gets better. Apparently he pissed off the DJ so much that the DJ threw a record at him and hit him in the face! So immediately, MC No-ID was on the mic calling "Security! Security!" (Yeah, suddenly security's his best friend.)

This joker wasn't even the headliner. After MC No-ID was boo'ed off stage, the headliner did his thing, went off stage, and was planning on coming back to do an encore. He wasn't even down the stairs yet when MC No-ID grabbed the mic and said, "That's it, the club's shuttin' us down! Party's over!" Nice one. It was after 2 already, so we didn't really care, but it did leave a packed room full of people thinking that we had pulled the plug when we didn't.

After the event, of course, he was loitering around outside, wanting to fight with the DJ who nailed him in the face, so security walked that DJ to his car. The whole time, MC No-ID was following behind them saying, "yo, yo, I just want to talk to him."
"Well he doesn't want to talk to you. Go home."
"Hey man, he works for me!"

Apparently everyone works for this guy.


Though I dislike the music more at house events, hiphop events are a way bigger pain in the ass. When we've done hiphop events here, we've been pretty careful about what kinds of events we do, and so we haven't suffered the usual fate of people who host hiphop (i.e., having customers kill each other), but we do always suffer extensive property damage from all the fucking taggers. This time, the door staff were doing airport-level pat-downs, and we've collected more thick-tipped magic markers than we could ever need. Despite that, they still fucked up a few of our stools.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: taggers are scum. They are mental deficients. They have grown-up bodies and ten-year-old brains. The only behavioral difference is that instead of carving "fuck" in their school desk, or pulling the legs off spiders, they scribble their little pirate "gangsta names" onto other peoples' furniture and walls.

Here's a clue, buttercup: if your instrument is a magic marker and your subject matter is your name, you're no artist, you're just a fucking vandal. Grow the hell up.

Also: Devon, who is one of the folks who gets to clean up this mess, checks in with the tagging tally from the hiphop event:

  • 3 stools;
  • 2 tables;
  • 5 places in the men's room;
  • 2 places in the upstairs bathrooms;
  • 1 balcony railing.

The one on the balcony railing is probably never going to look right again, because now there's going to be a "clean spot" where the strategically-applied rust that we spent so much time working on before we opened will be uneven.

This place looked way nicer before we started letting customers in.

Also, last night (different event) some girl came up to coat check, yelled that she had lost her ticket and wanted her "fucking jacket" anyway. When she was denied, the girl reached into the tip jar, tore up a bunch of money, and threw cash-confetti at Suzanne.

17 Responses:

  1. tfofurn says:

    Don't you know who I am?

    The newest member of our exclusive "Banned For Life" Club?

    "Hey, I'm the artist. That means you work for me."

    Hilarious.

  2. ullr says:

    well, this clearly shows that a hip hop event is not a good place to go :)
    But that Thursday I went to The Dali for Infected Mushroom (unlikely event for any security problem) and guess what? The same "airport-level pat-downs". I'm gonna stick to SF Opera for sometime now ;)

  3. primroseport says:

    That's just hilarious!

  4. icis_machine says:

    damn, j. why you gotta infringe upon a tagger's right to promote himself in every place possible?

  5. c9 says:

    christ, people are stupid. my job is similarly enjoyable -- except for the customers. do you sometimes miss development because at least you get a (physical) distancing from said stupids?

  6. luminalflux says:

    re the tagging, I feel your pain. Or something. Our place got tagged almost everywhere after the last[0] hiphop event (some jerk tagged the middle of the dance floor. I still wonder how he did that with a roomfull of people)

    [0] as in "never happening again"

  7. This may sound bizarre, but for the quickest cleanup of magic marker/Sharpie (tm)/ink on most household (clubhold?) surface, try Mr. Clean Magic Sponges. They really do work, and they tend to nail the stuff you want to get out while leaving the stuff you don't with surprising accuracy.

    Unless these assclowns have markers that are considerably more powerful than their sense of public decency.

    • baconmonkey says:

      the taggers are most often using some sort of waxy paint-pen sort of thing. sometimes they are dual-colored, like fading/smearing between green and yellow. immediately after application, it's dry, but slightly sticky. What I mean is, it doesn't run, but it also is stuck pretty solidly immediately upon use. it doesn't just wipe off, it requires cleaner and a lot of scrubbing. I'm sure it's probably some art supply thing, or some construction industry marking tool.

  8. jayrtfm says:

    Pec-12 (http://www.photosol.com/pec-12product.htm) was designed to clean film and prints. I have used it to remove sharpie marks from furniture.

  9. Those stories are awesome.

    MC No-ID, the taggers and the "fucking jacket" girl. Funny, funny shit.

    [j]

    • jsl32 says:

      i don't think the money-shredding bit was all that funny and would personally have taken it out of the girl.

      • greyface says:

        Well... it's funny in the abstract "a story" sense. Just probably not in the, "your money just vanished into thin air" way.

        As I think about it... isn't it a federal offense to intentionally destroy greenbacks?

        Remember: Tragedy is when I stub a toe, comedy is when you fall off a 3rd story balcony into a street where a mack truck sends you flying head first into a running chipper-shredder and die.

      • I think you need more cynicism in your diet.

        [j]

  10. robflynn says:

    Heh, I've heard Rachel of The Crüxshadows use the "Don't you know who I am?" line before when she stepped out for a smoke and forgot her idea.

  11. robflynn says:

    Damn. WTF is wrong with people?